


It was love and I lived in it. And it is grief, and I will carry it.

by Brinny



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Mentions of Nora West-Allen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 01:31:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20958227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brinny/pseuds/Brinny
Summary: Loving Nora changed her. Losing Nora destroyed her.





	It was love and I lived in it. And it is grief, and I will carry it.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a quote from author Chloe Frayne, as is the summary (albiet paraphrased).

On the night they lose Nora, the loft feels dark and empty. It’s quiet. So quiet, that Iris thinks she can hear her heart beating. (So quiet, that Iris thinks she can hear her heart breaking.) 

Outside, a storm starts. Thunder rumbles and rolls. Rain falls.

Inside, Iris cries. 

“Iris?” Barry asks. His fingers find the small row of buttons on the back of her blouse and, carefully, he works them open. She can feel his lips on her neck, his hands on her shoulders. “Want me to run you a bath?”

She’s tired, her body begging for sleep. Shaking her head, she wipes the back of her hand across her wet cheeks, then pulls herself away from him. “No. No, I just want to go to bed.”

“Yeah,” he says, quietly. “Yeah, okay, we can do that.”

As they lay together in the dark, Barry reaches for her hand, but his fingers miss and land on the start of her wrist. He gently presses his thumb to her pulse point. 

“I love you,” he says. “Do you know that? I love you so much.”

The storm keeps on, rain splattering against the windows and lightning ripping through the dark clouds. Her daughter is gone. Nora is gone and there’s nothing that can bring her back. And, oh my god, does she want her back. 

“Iris?” 

Iris nods, but turns to face the window. “Yeah, Barry. I know.”

Nora has been gone for almost two weeks and Iris still wakes up in the morning with a heavy and painful ache in her chest. Loving Nora changed her. Losing Nora destroyed her. 

“How much longer is it going to feel this way? How much longer, Barry? I can’t do it. I just—” 

She presses her hand to her mouth, trying to cover the loud and sudden sob that catches in the back of her throat. Her tears fall fast and steady over her fingers, little rivers that roll over her knuckles and down her chin. 

Barry holds her against his chest. He kisses the top of her head and gently combs his fingers through her hair, and says. “It’s going to get better. I promise.” 

“How?” she asks. Her voice sounds small and muffled against his shirt. “How is it going to get better?”

“I don’t know,” he admits, sadly. “Maybe each day, it’ll just hurt a little bit less.”

Barry is right. 

Seconds and minutes and hours go by without Nora and, each day, it just hurts a little bit less. 

(Each day, Iris’s heart breaks just a little bit less.) 

A year after they lose Nora, they decide to try for a baby. 

Barry softly and sweetly kisses down the column of her neck as the tips of his fingers move in teasing circles, but when he starts to slowly move inside her, she stills and places her hands firmly on his chest. “Barry, no. No, stop.”

“Okay.” He quickly pulls out of her. “Yeah, okay.” He nods and moves his open hands up and down over her shoulders, trying to show her that he understands, but he sounds hurt. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s not that,” she says, her voice breaking. “We can’t.”

Barry’s shakes his head, his brow knit down in confusion. “We can’t?” 

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” 

Iris can feel the tears falling down her cheeks, but Barry wipes them away with the backs of his fingers. “Iris? Hey, no, don’t cry. Iris, what’s wrong?”

“What if I get pregnant?”

“I’m not sure what—what do you mean? I thought, you said that, I thought you wanted to have a baby?” 

“I want Nora, Barry. I want our daughter. I don’t want to make some other child. I want Nora.”

“Iris, no.” He leans down to kiss her forehead, then gently uses his thumb to catch the tears that pool along her lower lashes. “We don’t know the future, right? We don’t know that if you do get pregnant it won’t be with Nora.” 

“But we don’t know that it will be, either.”

“We’re not trying to replace her, Iris,” he says. “And we are going love any baby that we make. So, so much. Right?”

She gives him a teary smile. “So, so much.”

On the day Iris finds out that she’s pregnant, she cries. 

She’s not quite sure if her tears are happy are sad, but when she tells Barry that they’re going to have a baby, she can’t help the loud and sudden laugh that bursts out of her mouth as he picks her up in his arms and swings her around. 

On the night their daughter is born, the world feels still. It’s quiet. So quiet, that Iris thinks she can hear her heart beating. (So quiet, that Iris thinks she can hear her heart bursting.) 

Outside, the sun starts to rise. The clouds break along the horizon. Bird chirp. 

Inside, Iris cries. 

“Iris?” Barry asks.

“She’s perfect, Barry.” She’s tired, her body begging for sleep, but she can’t stop smiling. Gently, she smooths the backs of her fingers over one rosy cheek. “My sweet ray of sunshine,” she whispers. “Our beautiful, little Dawn.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had wanted to get this up before the season premiere tonight as I know it's definitely not going to follow canon after. Alas, things don't always turn out the way you want to. (Perhaps if I had watched the finale earlier than a few weeks ago, I would started/finished this earlier as well. Eh, what can you do?)


End file.
